Love is Circular. It Comes and Goes. We don’t always Love our Partners and here is Why

Love is not fixed. Love is moldable. Love isn’t permanent, it’s circular. Love comes and goes. Love isn’t always with us, because we don’t always allow ourselves to become it. Love is me and it is you. But loving someone through the “good and bad” requires skill and hard work.

We all can love but to a different degree. Some people have depth, so their love is like them, others are shallow, and they love on a surface level. One thing is for sure we love others the way we love our own selves.

When our love for our beautiful selves is conditioned, it’s how we’ll love others. If we love ourselves in all shapes and forms, we will love our friends, partner, and family members in all shapes and forms.

We think we love some people and then if we broke up we stop loving them. If that person magically changed and became respectful, showed his love, and did all the things he promised he would, you will magically fall in love again (I’m talking about healthy relationships).

Love isn’t the thing that “fades” after time. Respect fades, people stop trying and working on the relationship, they don’t make us feel good anymore. When we feel extremely comfortable with someone when we feel like the best version of ourselves with someone we say we love them.

Often times we don’t love the people, we love how we feel with them and who we are with them. That’s why people often cheat not because their partners are bad, but because they don’t like who they are with them.

When you are in a relationship or in marriage just loving someone can get you so far. What keeps a relationship going for years is respect, sexual chemistry, love, compassion, commitment to the promises each person gave, and the ability to forgive and forget.

When you are married or in a relationship, you have to be a little blind, a little deaf, and a little mute. Love comes and goes. When people are together for 10+ years they don’t always feel love for each other. There are moments when both of them are in love. Sometimes one partner falls out of love and then falls back in love and other times another. What matters is that two person don’t fall out of love at the same time, because if that happens the relationship will fall apart.

The difference between an ordinary relationship and an extraordinary relationship is in giving just a little extra every day, as often as possible, for as long as we both shall live.

It’s true. Relationships are challenging. It’s easy to be single and it’s hard to stay in the relationship. It’s easier to find someone than to keep that one. It’s easy to give up and it’s challenging to keep going. Relationships any type or form needs presence, time, and commitment. We need to show up for people in our lives. It is not easy and that is why the divorce rate is so high and that is why most marriages last 1–5 years. The majority of people aren’t ready for giving their best and most to the relationship, all the time.

Many times each person is self-centered. It’s all me me me. I don’t like this and I don’t want that and you change this and you do that. We make our whole relationship about ourselves. In reality, it was always us. It’s not me against you, it’s us against the problem or challenge that we have. It’s not how I feel in this relationship, it about how we both feel. It’s not you go and change, but how can we both adjust to the relationship.

Relationship means partnership in every single aspect of it. Being in a marriage/ relationship means to be interconnected. Your family becomes his and his family becomes yours. Your friends becomes his responsibility and vice versa. when you marry a person you marry his or her community. when you marry a person you marry his or her traumas, habits, personality, way of thinking, feelings, happiness. You marry their good days and you marry their bad days.

Imagine how many relationships could have worked if each person gave a little extra to the relationship. There always will be the next new person and that new person will always have things you don’t like or annoys you. Every new person becomes old eventually. You don’t like that he doesn’t call you or that she speaks too much, but the next new person will not be as loving as you want or won’t be as good in sex as the last one. There will always be a reason to break up with someone. I can find ton of the reasons why I should break up with my husband. But I focus on why I should stay with him and that’s why we are together.

If we focus on what we don’t like in people, we will always find something.

Remember two things; First; Comparison is a thief of joy and second; Whatever you go after goes after you.

There is no happily ever after, working on relationship never, ever stops. Only thing we can always promise to each other is that we will try the best we can, as long as we can, as often as possible.

Relationships need to be disciplined while flexible, structured while being disordered. It needs to have firm boundaries and rules. But it also needs a tiny window available for negotiation. It needs a back door to the boundaries and moldable rules. It needs two (or more) person willing to create the best relationship possible. Two person committed, two person in love, two person trying and trying and trying. Kiss your partners and stop being against them. life partnership is for life. You can have many love relationships as someone said, but not many life relationships. Building life with someone is messy and fulfilling at the same time.

Reevaluate your values and please change yourself first before you ask making any change from someone else. Make sure you bring the best version of yourself to the table until you ask the same from someone else. Praise your loved ones and nourish them with your love.

Whatever you give comes back to you. Give what you want to receive, be consistent with it, and trust me you will be rewarded. You will get what you will give, so make sure you give out the best you can. Forgive yourself when you can’t. It’s never about being perfect it only about trying and doing the best we can and the best we know. And when we know better we do better. And when we do better we get better. Stop criticizing your loved ones and instead start a conversation. Ask questions and try to get to know them better. Try to understand why they do what they do and why they are who they are. Share your needs and listen to other’s needs. Take the necessary action. Start the conversation right now. Your future starts right at this very moment. Having bad relationships is easy. Having deep, meaningful ones are challenging. So are you up for a challenge?

Originally published at https://anikapanadze.com on November 6, 2020.